“He will swallow up death forever, and the Lord will wipe away tears from all faces. ” (Isaiah 25:8NKJV)

They say “everything happens for a reason”, and “God only gives you what you can handle.” Sometimes I wonder who “they” are, because obviously they must be living a pretty sheltered life.

In my short life of 33 years I've been very blessed, but I've also gone through a lot of pain. I try to look at everything positively. I can only imagine that if I didn't, I would falter into a deep depression. Small things happened growing up: the losing a cat, a dog, a broken shoulder – the easy stuff. Then in September of 2001, my dad got sick and went into the hospital. My life was turned upside down. I ended up losing my dad just six weeks after he got sick. Life changed dramatically.

Then just 364 days after dad died I gave birth to my first daughter, Jordan Elizabeth Hayes. The room was silent that night, for Jordan was stillborn. Only the tears and sobs of the family could be heard. To this day I can't explain the horrible grief I felt. I get choked up just thinking about it. I felt like my world was ending. How could I mourn someone I didn't know personally more than I mourned for my father, who was my best friend.

In the end, I did slowly heal and was able to function - in part because I was soon carrying my now six-year-old daughter, Taylor. I look back and realize that God has not given me more than I can handle, but I'm still not convinced Jordan 's death happened for a reason. “Why?” is a question that goes through my mind almost daily. I know one day I will be able to ask that question, but by then it won't matter anymore. I will see my daughter's face, standing with my dad and my dog, and I will run to her and hold her. The reason won't matter anymore.

Maria Hayes